Building a Patchwork of Connection
Making friends when close enough only counts in horseshoes and bocce.
When Close Enough(ish) Disappears
My efforts to build a quiet inbox is an offshoot of an insight that has been slowly surfacing over time. But it became more clear a few months ago in reaction to a client team shift.
With one of my clients, I mostly worked with one department, which was a team of 4 people, on virtual events. These projects included enough consistent virtual meetings and messaging or email communications that those working acquaintanceships sort of filled a social need of mine.
Not completely and honestly (in hindsight) not super satisfactorily. But it eased the hunger for connection.
Then, two of the people on the team moved elsewhere and the dynamic of the project changed to fully asynchronous with minimal communication and a different level of collaboration. Which is fine for the project scope and the work.
But the constant casual social conversations disappeared. The little pings of communication masquerading as connection slipped away.
And a few things became clear when ‘close enough’ disappeared [again].
Close enough is not enough.
I was mistaking communication for connection. The consistent communication slightly eased the underlying hunger - just enough to take the edge off but just not enough to be truly satisfying.
It was close, but close enough is not enough.
My connection container has been leaking, and it’s not getting refilled at any sort of solid rate.
The clarity of understanding that communication isn’t close enough is double-edged. There is relief in the fact that I know to stop expecting MORE communication to refill my connection container.
But then, what will?
So, I suppose right now I’m trying to put energy into slowing the leaks, repairing the container, and creating new connections.
But it’s hard to rebuild the boat on the water while in motion. So, here’s to a patchwork of connection band-aids.
Building Connections
Putting Myself in Places with People
Years ago I read about The Theory of Social Penetration proposed by psychologists Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor which describes the process of relationship development over time through self-disclosure, which is helped by factors such as similarity, familiarity, and proximity. It made a lot of sense and so I’ve been trying it since then.
So, how do you not just meet new people, but make new friends?
By showing up in proximity. With similar people. On repeat. Again and again and again.
Eventually the levels of mutual self-disclose tip the relationship outside of its original container and into friendship and actual connection.
But the amount of time it takes to feel connected to another person is immense and requires a lot of tradeoffs with energy, attention, and money.
And I have no control over what other people do or their capacity for new friendships.
Sigh.
Unhelpful Advice - Use an App to Optimize and Hotwire Connecting
Earlier this year, I went to a pitch night (trying to put myself in places with people). Three of the pitches were basically apps trying to optimize and hotwire relationship matchmaking - one was a dating app and the other two were job apps joining the sea of matchmaking apps.
Alas, these apps are just more communication tools with a bit of filtering and search functionality adding noise and masquerading as a way to build connections.
One silver lining is that I can tailor my approach to use these tools AS TOOLS knowing that communication is just that - communication. Then I can pair the filter and find functionality with showing up on repeat, then maybe I can craft a bit of a patchwork of connection band-aids for my boat.
As always, it’s a work in progress.
More soon,
Rachel